All I want for Christmas
by Constantly Defying Gravity
Summary: Will Rachel finally get her explanation from Jesse?  Is he really as bad as he seems?


"I hate Christmas" Rachel mumbled to herself.

It was the time of year to be with the one you love…and guess what? The one she loved had broken her heart as easily as the egg he had cracked all over her head.

All day long she was bombarded with Christmas songs, and just when she thought it couldn't get any worse; Mr. Shue set an assignment that made her heart beat frantically against her chest: a duet!  
When Jesse was around, she loved them. Their voices harmonized perfectly. Not only had she found someone whose talent and ability equalled her own, but she had also found her soulmate…or so she thought.

Six months had gone by, and yet the pain of loss and betrayal was still strong. At night it was unbearable, for it was the only time of day that she was left alone with her thoughts…and her thoughts were always about Jesse. That moment in the parking lot played on a constant loop in her mind. There was no button she could press to erase it from her memory.

"Rachel. Are you ok? Kurt asked worriedly. "You're looking kinda pale."

It took only a moment to realise that she was daydreaming again…and she was the only one still seated in the choir room.

"Uh, yeah… I'm fine" she replied quickly, grabbing her bag and coat off the seat beside her.

"I guess I was just daydreaming again."

Kurt tilted his head and looked at her quizzically. "You sure?"  
"Yeah I'm totally fine. No need to worry about me."

She could tell that Kurt was not satisfied with her answer, but before he had the chance to probe further, she left.

When Rachel arrived home a little after 5:30, she was cold, tired and somewhat depressed. Not even the thought of recording a new myspace video cheered her up. But just as she was removing her coat something small and square caught her eye.  
As she bent down to examine the object more closely, her heart skipped a beat. That small, square object was a card, and on that card was her name "Rachel" in very neat and familiar script.

"It can't be." She thought.

But it was. There was just one person that could make her react that way: Jesse St. James.

She opened the card and read:

_Rachel,_

_I'm sorry._

_Jesse_

_xx_

What did this mean? Was it some kind of practical joke?  
There was only one way to find out.  
She removed her phone from her pocket, flipped it open and began to scroll through her list of contacts. Her stomach started doing nervous little flips the closer she got to his name. Then finally, when she came to Jesse's name, her stomach started doing full-blown summersaults.

As her thumb hovered over the "Call" button, she began to have doubts. All this time she had fought the urge to call him. To find out why he betrayed her and shattered her heart into a million pieces. Now, some note, posted through her letterbox, was going to crumble her resolve.

"I have to do it." Rachel said to herself. "I need answers."  
Before she had a chance to change her mind, she pressed "Call".

_One ring….two rings…_

"Hello?" It was Jesse.

For a moment she couldn't breathe. It was like all the air had been sucked out of the room. She glanced down at the note clutched in her hand and took a deep breath.

"Jesse. It's Rachel."

"Rachel" she could almost see that smile of his as he said her name. "I didn't think you'd call."

"And why would you think I'd call in the first place?" Rachel said, regaining her composure.

"Did you get my note?" he said hopefully.

"Yes. That's why I'm calling. What do you think you're playing at?"

"What do you mean? I'm not playing at anything." He sounded hurt at the suggestion.

"You're saying sorry. Sorry for what: Betraying me? Breaking my heart? Making me fall in love with you?"

"Rachel I never meant to hurt you."

"Well you did."

"Don't you think I know that? Every day that's passed since then has been agony for me. I can't get you out of my head."

"Right. And I'm supposed to forgive you just like that?"

"I'm not asking for your forgiveness…well, not straight away. I just wanted to hear your voice again and to explain why I did what I did." Jesse took a deep breath and continued.  
"You may think that what I did was heartless, but that's where you're wrong. I did it because I cared about you. I still do. At the time I was going through some issues at home. My parents abandoned me and went to Bali. I was under pressure from Shelby and later Vocal Adrenaline. They couldn't accept that I was happier with you and at McKinley than I ever was with them. Shelby threatened to expose me if I didn't go back to her. She knew how much I cared about you. How much I loved you. I didn't want you to hear it from someone else. If going back to them meant that they would leave you alone, then that's what I had to do.  
That day in the parking lot wasn't meant to happen. They followed me there. My purpose for calling you was to explain why I had gone back to Vocal Adrenaline. I was ready to tell you everything…then **they** showed up in their Range Rovers and the rest is history."

Jesse paused, waiting for Rachel to respond. When she didn't, he continued.

"I love you Rachel. I never stopped loving you. I wasn't man enough to tell you before, but six months without you has driven me crazy. I need you in my life. Always."

Rachel couldn't quite believe what had just been said. She was so willing to believe that he was the bad guy. The one who coldly stomped all over her heart, when in actual fact he was trying to protect it.

"I don't know what to say. I really don't. The six months that passed have been terrible. Not knowing, that's what got me. It made your betrayal that much worse."

"I'm sorry" Jesse repeated again.

"I know you are, but it doesn't make what you did to me any less painful."

"You know how much I love you Jesse. How much I want to be in your arms right now…but I just don't know.

"Can we meet? I need to see you Rachel. My arms feel empty without you in them."

Rachel couldn't stop herself. She knew that it was a bad idea, but her heart and brain were fighting. Her heart won.

"Yes" she said "Where?"

"Breadsticks. 8 o'clock tonight?"

"Ok. See you there."

"Rachel?"

"Yes?"

"You're all I want this Christmas." And with those words he hung up.


End file.
